The Broken Bone

Happy 2014 everyone! I hope your new year is starting out beautifully. The last day of my 2013 and the beginning of my 2014 were not the most spectacular. You see when you are broken down and feel lost, even being surrounded by joviality and good company can't fix your spirit. 2013 carried some interesting trials and a lot of growing, most of which I have already blogged about. What I didn't know is that something I went through back in June was still affecting me. You see I had sinned, and I knew that I had repented and forgiven myself for this sin. But because of the nature of that particular sin, it continued to come back to me on a regular basis and be in the forefront of my mind. I was wrestling almost constantly between Christmas and New Year's. Why? Why did I continue to feel guilt and shame? Why did I continually feel like there was no breakthrough? When given the opportunity to work through this situation with two amazing women of God, I felt sick and refused. WHY??

Two nights ago, I was at a prayer night at my church and I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting me to go pray through the issue with my college pastor. She spoke some things to me of life and truth that I desperately needed to hear. She asked me if I would pour my heart out to God and repent in front of her so there was a witness. And I did. As I prayed and as she prayed over me, I felt a weight lifting off of me. I felt so free. Finally. 

You see what I have come to realize is that although I had repented and forgiven myself, there was still an avenue for Satan to taunt me. I wasn't dealing with the issue, I wasn't allowing God to heal me. I was ignoring it. It was too painful to think about, so I just...didn't. As I thought about it yesterday, the only thing I can think to compare it to is this: I broke a bone. And instead of going to the Doctor to get the break set, I let it try to heal on its own. Nothing was healing correctly and it kept breaking over again. When I prayed with my pastor on Wednesday night, I began to finally let God do the healing and set the break in my spirit. With that being said, it still takes a while for a broken bone to fully heal, and I know that this is a process. But for the first time in months, I know that I am healing correctly. There is no more sting, no more shame. God is so gracious to me and I stand in awe of who he is.

"Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;

praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds;

praise him according to his excellent greatness!"

Psalm 150:1-2

Fighting for Love

For the past five or so days, I have not been able to stop thinking about this idea...the idea of fighting for love. I think most girls love the idea of a guy fighting for her. We cheer in romances when there's a struggle, and either the guy or the girl fights for their significant other...they know it's the "love of their life" and that they don't want to give it up.

And then listening "Love is War" by Hillsong United, a thought hit me. What if we fought for our love for Jesus Christ with that kind of passion all of the time? He is the love of our lives. Or he should be. What kind of amazing things would we be doing for the kingdom of God if we lived with that relentless love and passion all of the time?

"Turn my eyes to see Your face
As all my fears surrender
Hold my heart within this grace
Where burden turns to wonder

"I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son"

This song says I will throw my life forever to the triumph of the Son. This is exactly what Paul was talking about in Galatians 2:20 when he said "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." And he says something similar in Philippians 1:21, "For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain."

So I suppose at this point, having been mulling over those verses and the chorus of that song, I'm seeing life in a brand new way. I'm fighting for my love of Christ. I'm not afraid of the love of God relenting (because it won't), so please don't understand that to be my meaning. I mean that I'm fighting against my own flesh, the ways of this world, and the sin that so easily entangles us so that I may radiate that love; to fight for it with a passion unlike any other I've ever known or will know. I want to fight for the love of my life so that the love of God consumes me. I want my life to be about bringing glory to God. And I want to be passionately running after him, fighting for it. It's the most important thing in this life. It's time I fully took of that and lived that way.