Re-partitioning My Hard Drive

Okay so this summer I started working at the computer tech center at my university. This analogy will be incredibly nerdy, mostly because I know that I am incredibly nerdy. If you bear with me, I think it will be worth it.
I am a Mac user. When you want to install Windows on a Mac, most of the time we go through the process  of partitioning the hard drive and allocating a certain amount of space to use both the Mac OS and Windows.

So I was at church on Sunday and one of the things that Pastor Chad was talking about was how often times we get distracted by busyness to the point that we forget our purpose. Now for any of you who have read my past blogs, you'll notice that I have made a similar observation. If you are just now reading my blog for the first time, try reading my post "Just Living Life" here. Now I don't know what your life is like. I may not know you at all. But just so you get a glimpse into my life, since the semester started 2 weeks ago, I have had less than 3 hours of "me" time. This means being at school between 06:30-06:45 and not spending a substantial amount of time at home till about 22:00 on average, and then the rest of my night is spent doing homework and sleeping.
My life has been the epitome of busyness. And as great as it has been to spend time with people and even do a lot of enjoyable things, where does that leave time for God? And the better question is, why am I trying to squeeze time for my Father into my life instead of prioritizing and arranging everything else around Him?
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times God has brought this to my attention. And I'll be decent at doing prioritizing Him for a while...and then I get back to just being busy.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:2

Right now, I'm working on re-partitioning the hard drive that is my life. I don't want my life to be filled up with things and people and busyness and then try to squeeze time into my day for my heavenly Father. I want my time to be full of life. I want to spend my time around other people using it for the glory of God. I want to use my life and the opportunities presented to me to show who God really is...not some aloof being, but a dear, personal, intimate Father who loves us and wants us to know Him and have time with us.
Not only does God want and rightly deserve to have priority in our time, but also in our influence. I am a huge people person. And as much as I tend to try to put off a vibe of not caring what people think, the truth is I tend to care a great deal too much about what people think.
I'll give you an example. Today, I was on campus at our club fair working a booth for cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) when I ran into someone who no longer goes to my university. I was more than shocked to see him and after seeing him, one of my best friends came over and pulled me aside. The influence this person has had on my life in the last few months is far larger than it has any right to be, and the shear surprise of seeing him upset me greatly. I literally burst into tears with the entire campus buzzing around right next to me. And while I didn't care who saw that I was crying, I was afraid to see him in case he saw...
WHY?? Why do I care so much about what he would think if I was crying? I obviously had emotion to process. But guess what? Instead of taking it straight to my Father and laying it down before him, I cried to my best friend feeling sorry for myself...

"...for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God...." -Exodus 34:14

A god isn't just a physical idol as was often referred to in the Old Testament. A god is anything that pulls our eyes off of Jesus. Busyness, life, people, our sphere of influence. And as I've said before, none of those things on their own are bad things. Its simply what we do with them that can turn them into idols.

So I'm laying a lot of things down right now, and this is going to be a long process all the way around. Rearranging life, habits, thoughts, feelings, etc. is never an easy process. But I'm not the one doing it. I just have to allow God to work His work. (Isn't it crazy that the God of the universe created us to be able to have the will to allow Him to do things?? But that's a blog post for another time.)
I hope this has been helpful to you, or will be one day. Either way, I'm walking this journey out one moment at a time, actively pursuing God and His will.

Holding on Too Tightly

I think there are things in everyone's lives that we really want. A job, a family, to be loved, etc. For me, I know that God has promised me something, and for that I am extremely grateful because its something I have dreamed of and longed for. Across the past few weeks especially, I have found myself getting extremely impatient and grumbling to God. I trust that he will do what he has promised, but then I get frustrated about the timing...which when I stepped back and examined it, is a very arrogant and almost amusing mentality-angry and frustrated with the Lord of heaven, earth, everything that was, is, or ever will be.
At Fuel (my college/20 somethings group at church) this past week, the speaker said something that has resonated with me. When it comes to God's timing, not only his timing perfect, but the things that happen until whatever God has promised are stepping stones that we need to help prepare us for what's to come.
Then at church yesterday, I heard something incredibly humbling. "Abigail, if I chose to not do what I said - caviat being that God always does what he has promised (2 Samuel 7:28, Isaiah 38:7, Hebrews 10:23, Hebrews 10:36,)...it's about my heart in the midst of this - how would you view me? How would you react? Would you be okay, or would you be crushed?"

Wow...talk about humbling. It's not about whether or not that thing will ever actually be fulfilled. It's about the fact that I've held on to that thing so tightly for so long, that I had taken hold of it and tried to make it happen instead of leaving it in God's hands and trusting him for his perfect timing. Amazing, isn't it? What I did in that moment is abandon it back to God. And in the words of one of my dearest friends, "It's not just about abandoning it to him. It's about leaving it with him and not taking it back with you." I thought I would be heavy-hearted about this. But honestly, I feel so free and joyful doing so.

"No unbelief made him waiver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21

I Dreamed a Dream

The last 2 nights, I have had a recurring dream. Now, I don't know if that ever happens to you, but for me that happens rarely. And usually when it does happen, they tend to be dreams I'd rather not repeat, much less remember. I think I remember this one because I woke myself up from it. (And please, dear reader, stick with me on this one. I do have a point.)

Last night's dream pretty much picked up where the night before's had left off. I knew exactly who the antagonist was. The setting itself was a night time metropolis, though that's only for you to get an image in your mind. Although there were other people around, I very distinctly remember one character aside from myself. He was relatively tall (6'1-6'3 ish), thin, dark and gleaming eyes-almost mischievous-a snide smile, bald. I never once knew his name. But I know this. He loved to taunt me in an evil manner. Several times, I tried to move and he somehow kept me from doing so (for any of you Wheel of Time fans out there, I would call it basically being bound with Air) or from talking or any number of things (including dangling me off of skyscrapers with this air rope I seemed to be bound with). And as much I tried to stop him, I absolutely couldn't. If I ran, he always found me and taunted me again and in worse ways. This happened for hours both nights.
Finally, I hit a point of such anger, frustration, fear, and pure hatred for this man (keeping in mind that the dream itself was much worse and antagonizing than I am able to describe...), that last night I literally woke myself up from the dream just to escape. Upon awakening, I was able to discern in a very real way how Satan-like this character was.

After much contemplation this morning and throughout the day, I've realized several things...How many times in life are we trying to move and follow God's direction and will, but something literally stops us? How often do we go to share the gospel as we are commanded to do (Matthew 28:16-20), and something keeps our mouths shut? Although in my dream I was completely powerless against this man, I still had another option-to wake up. And it was a conscious effort and ridiculously difficult to do. In life, we have another choice. Call on God. Seriously. When we are under attack, it's not enough to try saving yourself or rely on yourself or even friends or family. God has already defeated Satan. God is victorious! It's a conscious decision that you have the choice to make. But honestly, why wouldn't you?

It may seem very elementary to you, or maybe you're seeing this concept for the first time, or maybe you just need the reminder. Maybe I do. But please listen to me. If you're ever facing a situation that is daunting, too difficult for you as a mere human, or are under attack, turn to our loving Father. He is there to guide us, walk with us, love us, be there for us, and rescue us.

I love you, O Lord, my strength.

² 

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,

    my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,

    my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ 

I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,

    and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me;

     the torrents of destruction assailed me;^[a] 

the cords of Sheol entangled me;

    the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the Lord;

    to my God I cried for help.

From his temple he heard my voice,

    and my cry to him reached his ears.

The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock,
    and exalted be the God of my salvation— the God who gave me vengeance
    and subdued peoples under me, who delivered me from my enemies;

For this I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations,
    and sing to your name.

 Excerpts from Psalm 18

P.S. Sorry for the funky notation on the versus. Blogger is being a pain....